Me, Myself and I

There is a part of me that wants to write, a part that wants to theorize, a part that wants to teach, a part that wants to read, a part that wants to play and a part that wants to love ... to force myself in a single role, to decide to be one thing in life, would kill off large parts of me. Today I want to do things to be doing them, not to be doing something else. I don't want to write to get "popular", drive to get "there", make love to have climaxes, or study to "keep abreast". I don't want to do things to sell myself on myself. I don't want to do nice things for people so that I will be "nice". I don't want to work to make money, I want to work. I don't want to play to get awards or popularity, I just want to play. Today I don't want to live for someone, I just want to live.

I am convinced that this anxiety running through my mind is the tension between what I "should be" and what I am. I always wanted to be a good son, a good brother, a good friend , a good lover , a good husband , a good father and above all a good person. But in virtue of achieving so many good's , I lost the way and in the process also lost my aim of living my life in my own way. The anxiety which is almost killing me is the tension between my desire to control the people around me and the recognition that I can't. The more I consult my deeper feelings throughout the day, the more I fall back into the place of quiet knowing to see if what I am doing is what I want to be doing, then the less I feel at the end of the day that I have been wasting time.

As I look back on my life , one of the most constant and powerful things I have experienced is the desire to be more than I am at the moment, - a desire to increase the boundaries of myself, - a desire to feel more, learn more, express more, love more, - a desire to grow and improve. People around me believe that I should be doing certain things consistently, like expressing myself, loving them and doing things what they want. But I feel "either I can have a self or I can have a consistent behavior. I cannot have both." I must be allowed to do things on my own. The truth at the moment is that I am feeling hungry and I need to have something. So I should go to cafeteria and eat something.

(Cont.)

Our new ST-5 Bus

05-04-2005

Today we got a brand new bus for our route ST-5. Everybody in the bus is so happy and elated to have received this gift from our company. Same set of people, who used to criticize the corporate people for all the mis-managements and for all the facilities that are not there , have forgotten everything (..atleast for the time being..) and appreciating this new bus. As everybody in our company knows ( I think !!) that ST-5 is the most happening bus of our company. We had a masti group in our bus named "ST-5 Masti Group" and we have parties every now and then , atleast once a month. Celebration of each and every Birthday , Anniversary, Increment and Upgrade is a must and we have sweets and samosas in our bus almost every 2-3 days. With people singing beautiful songs adds to the party atmosphere and being in the bus itself is a great experience. We had sweets in our bus today as well for the arrival of this new Bus and atmosphere is once again electric with people laughing , cracking jokes and singing songs as usual. May we keep on enjoying our journey in our very own new ST-5 bus with same enthusiasm, spirit and above all the feeling of love and affection among ourselves.

My journey through Thick and Thins of ST Cricket

05/04/2005

Cricket to me is not just a "Game" but it is my life, it is my passion and only source of
optimism in my life. Today I have completed two years in ST cricket. Two years in which I have seen ST cricket achieving the unbelievable heights ( reaching the semi-finals of Suntan Cup '04) and also the unthinkable lows ( knocked out in league stages of Suntan Cup '05). On one day we can beat the best of teams and other day losing to a team which doesn't even deserve a entry in corporate tournaments.

I can still remember the first time I represent team ST. I had lot to prove , not only to my team mates but also to myself that I can play at this level and perform well. I first played for IT team against arch rivals IC team and wasn't able to perform up to my potential .But the second IC-IT encounter proved to be very fruitful for me as I single - handily won the match for IT team ( made 80 odd runs and 3 stumping). All of a sudden I was a Star in ST cricket. People started believing this guy is going to win us tournament. But in the process everybody forgot that Cricket is a team game , individual performances do count but one can not win matches on his own. My first tournament ( Cyber Media Keane Cup '03) was a disastrous series for me in which I failed in Quarters and we lost the match and knocked out of the tournament. That tournament proved to be a disaster for ST cricket as team ST split into two teams : STCT and STCL. People were forced to pick one of the teams and neither of the teams are able to achieve the ultimate goal of winning the tournament till date.

Though both the teams are playing regularly in the tournaments, but somehow that passion of winning the matches is missing in both the teams. Both the teams has number of players ,who are playing just for the sake of playing. This is not good for ST and certainly not good for the game of "Cricket". I have seen players criticizing team mates for their/team's bad performance. It is the time we need to redefine our goal and play as a team. Splitting the team into two teams will never going to solve the purpose. Everybody needs to understand his role and responsibility in the team and the team needs to play more regularly and perform consistently.

May be with some positive thinking, more practice, more discipline (both on and off the field), and above all improved team work , we will be able to fulfill our dream of winning a tournament.

Men in Blue in their own backyard

31/03/2005

Finally I have a blog and this is the place where I can write what is going through my head.
Cricket being my favorite subject , so I am starting with a blog on Cricket.
This blog is written after India lost to Pakistan in Bangalore (3rd Test, Mar.2005)

We all know that in our Cricket-crazy country ,the performance of the Indian cricket team affects the mood swings of the entire nation. Whenever our cricket team is doing well and winning the matches , we Indians tends to feel so good , all of a sudden feeling of "proud to be an Indian" is all around us and everything around us becomes so good. Where as a bad performance or a defeat can ruin the entire week and things starts to look gloomy in a matter of minutes.

In this light, the defeat by the hands of Pakistan was particularly distressing. Its not only the fact, that we went down, but the manner in which we went down which was particularly heart wrenching. We have got the best batting line-up in the world ( ..on paper atleast..) and still we were unable to play out those 96 overs . It is a pity indeed. Lots of things have been said about the performance of our captain Ganguly and that he is the person responsible for the Indian defeat.

But in my opinion , its the attitude and the intend to win , what was missing on that particular day. Shot makers such as Sachin,Gambhir,Laxman played out of their character and in the pursuit of playing slowly and defensively lost their wickets and India lost the match.

90% of the cricket-followers will be cursing Indian team at the moment , but I can assure you one thing that 99% of them will be watching the match on Saturday , gluing to their respective TV sets and will be enjoying this beautiful game "Cricket".The thing is that memory of cricket-crazy Indians is very short and they (we) tends to forget the bad performances by the Indian team in a very short span of time.

God Bless All